• Brandi Nikkale

attachment.


This tweet came up for me this morning and at first, I giggled and then I cried. LMAO.


The way that this hit me was unreal.


For the past few years, I have been so hardened to the idea of a relationship.


Since making the move to Atlanta, I have slowly but surely began to feel my heart soften and my hope return.


I am healing.


I am feeling safer in life.


I am feeling safer in my relationships.


I needed that.


With this, I find myself shifting my views on what I want at the moment.


Maybe I am not as anti-relationship as I previously thought I was.


This feels like positive progress.


A friend of mine always prefaces relationship discussions with “I know you gave up on love already but...”


I am happy to report to her that I might be willing to dip my toe back in.


With this comes my need to further address my attachment issues.


I have addressed my abandonment issues at length over the years and I am content with where I am with things.


I am able to appropriately express my needs and boundaries in relationships as it relates to abandonment to make sure that I feel safe in my relationships.


However, I have come to realize that being clingy is one thing and I make little apology for that but having attachment issues is a whole different ballgame and it needs to be addressed before I start considering a relationship with a man.


Here’s my cycle: I date, I date, I date, I finally meet a man I actually like a little bit (meaning we have good chemistry and attraction - which is rare for me, he's not homeless and he has a job) and then BOOM, I’m invested.


I’m not a “this my hussssbaaannddd” girl but I am a “why he ain’t responded in the last 22 seconds to my text message?, “why is he not trying to see me 36 times this week?” girl.


I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting a man to apply pressure. I think it’s essential that pressure is applied when the feelings are mutual and you've really determined that you are compatible and looking for the same things.


However, I often have not even given myself the time necessary to even determine if I like a man FOR REAL before I begin to form these attachments. Is he really amazing or am I just suffering my attachment issues?


These unhealthy premature attachments are the result of me trying to fill some void. I have been seeing this happen more often as I have started to feel like I might be prepared for something more serious.


Subconsciously I know that I am ready and therefore if someone comes along that checks a few boxes, I feel like I have to stake my claim.


Why? Let’s be honest and transparent.

  1. From my experience, there are not many decent single men around.

  2. My biological clock is ticking. I don’t even know if I want to have kids but my uterus says otherwise and is constantly sending signals that it’s about to be last call soon.

  3. Black women are statistically the least desired in the dating world. When you add the fact that I am a plus sized Black woman to the equation, there is another layer of challenges related to dating. Add in my level of education and statistics would say that I can pretty much count myself as single forever. It’s a harsh truth.

I feel like I’ve said quite a bit here. Let me wrap it up and tie it all together. Thank you for riding with me on this.


As I prepare to start looking towards something more serious in my dating life, it is important for me to address my attachment issues so that I am not settling for someone simply because they check a few boxes. Sometimes that man aint even all that to me....I may have just become attached because statistics and my steadily ticking biological clock says “there aren’t many available men out there. he might be GOOD ENOUGH.” It’s like playing musical chairs and you have that heart pounding feeling that the music is about to stop and you don’t want to be the only one left standing.



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But guess what? I don’t want "good enough" when it comes to love. I want amazing. I want a perfect fit. And if he doesn’t exist, I will just have to be fine being solo because I never want to wake up wondering how much longer I can tolerate a man I’ve committed my life to.


I only want to form attachments to those that deserve my energy, efforts, vibe, and love.


I encourage you to do the same. Stop trying to prove to him why he should like you and ask yourself if you even really like him sis.


So...off to do some healing, growing, learning and unlearning.


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XOXO,

Brandi Nikkale


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