How often have you found yourself frustrated at a man for not being all that you know he has the potential to be?
I've found myself there more times than I can count.
"If he would just apply for this program I've been telling him about!"
"If he would just tell me I look nice everyday!"
"If he would just stop working at __________ and go back to school!"
"He'll be perfect once he gets this out of his system."
As women, we are natural multipliers. We take whatever we are given and we make it more.
As multipliers, we look at things and see what it could be. This includes men. Don't get me wrong. This is not a character flaw. It's beautiful to see the potential in everything and everyone.
However, one major misstep that we make is FALLING IN LOVE with potential. Falling in love with the potential of a man as opposed to the man himself is unfair to him and you.
Why?
Imagine you are renting an apartment. You find a decent apartment but it needs some work to be suitable for how you like to live. The landlord tells you that he's thinking about doing some work to it…maybe. You sign the lease because you can see how beautiful this apartment could be if….the walls were painted….the windows were replaced….the appliances were replaced, etc. You move in and the landlord leaves the space as is. You are now calling and texting the landlord left and right about fixing these issues in the apartment. What do you think the landlord is going to say "You knew what the apartment looked like when you signed the lease." The landlord didn't promise you to fix those things. You should have chosen an apartment that you liked as is before moving into it. Same concept applies to dating.
Often times we meet men that are not what we desire but we can see a plan for his life. Maybe it's because he's fine or because he's super nice or maybe you love his family but you just really like him and you want to give him a chance! So we create the plan in our minds for him to reach his potential. Maybe he even has a plan to reach his potential! That's amazing if he does. Obviously we all hope that people do what they set out to do in life. But life happens. Goals change.
When you meet a man and decide to get involved with him, you should be getting involved with him because you like who he is right now. Ask yourself "If his circumstances don't change and he remains who and how he is, is that enough for me?" If the answer is no, let that man go. Find someone that you like for who they are and avoid resentment on both sides. He deserves someone who likes him for who he is and you deserve someone that meets your standards. Period. And remember, what is for you is for you no matter what. If he is the one, you will find each other again. I can only tell you because I've been there. I've pushed a man to reach his potential and as you can see, I'm still single and it honestly damaged our relationship.
People need to discover who they are on their own. They have to want it for themselves.
Final thought: In reality, everyone has great potential but not everyone will reach their highest possible potential. Do not date some non-existent version of him. Only the present exists. Potential ain't enough.
XOXO,
Brandi Nikkale