Updated: Oct 27, 2019
Red Flag: A warning of danger.
A guy added me on Snapchat. I'm not sure where he found me....somewhere in the social media universe I suppose. For the purpose of privacy, let's call him Joe. Joe introduced himself to me on Snapchat, told me about himself (eligible bachelor) and showed interest. I blew him off. I just wasn't particularly interested or looking at the time. I never just flat out let him know I wasn't interested (I should've....I know) but I was always short with him or leaving him on read. Joe was persistent though. He made a lot of effort to get to know me and gave me some of the nicest compliments I'd ever received.
After a few months, I finally threw my hands up and agreed to a date. It was possibly the best first date I've ever had. Dinner, drinks, music, and a single red rose to end the night. And guess what else? Joe and I had the exact same birthday...same year and everything. Cool coincidence right? Those are the kind of coincidences that have us feeling like "This could be meant to be!" This was followed by 3 equally as promising dates. Then Joe had to go out of town but he kept in contact regularly, including FaceTime dates, phone calls, etc. During one of our text conversations, Joe asked me to be his girlfriend. I am not anti-commitment by any means but in my opinion it was too early and we still had a lot to learn about one another. So our follow up conversations took on the shape of learning each other more intimately. One of the questions that Joe asked was what I require from a man when I'm in a relationship and I gave him my rundown:
Of course he went on to say that he was all of those things.
Fast forward 24 hours. Joe tells me that in an effort to be "honest and transparent". He proceeds to tell me that he has been married before (I asked him this on our first date and he said no). Something told me to question it further. After further questioning, Joe reveals that he is legally separated but still married.
The End. Or so I thought.
A week or so later, Joe's wife attempted to add me on Facebook. I wrote her a message letting her know what had happened and that I was no longer seeing her husband. I wouldn't involve myself in another woman's marriage. I don't want that karma. Luckily I had cut Joe off because not only was Joe happily married, he had just had his third child the day before our first date.
Now after reading that story, you may not think anything in particular should have been a red flag but there were. I ignored them. Learn from my mistake sis!
Red Flags I Ignored:
1. My intuition: This man had been reaching out for months but something in me kept me from being interested. I went against that nagging feeling. That was my intuition. If you feel in your gut/mind/heart/spirit that something isn't right....even if you don't know why....do not ignore that. Your intuition doesn't lie.
2. He did not ask enough questions. When you meet someone for the first time and you're interested in them, you ask questions to get to know them. I asked him several questions but he had none. Most times when someone you're getting to know is hesitant to really ask you those "getting to know you" questions, it's because they don't want to be asked too many questions....Joe had things to hide.
3. Moving too fast. After 3 dates (about 2 weeks) he was ready to commit. I was curious about this because there was so much we didn't know about each other (especially since he wouldn't ask me any questions). Joe thought if he could lock me down and quickly build an attachment, it would be more difficult for me to sever ties when he finally decided to tell me his truth.
As a single woman, if you are seeking a relationship right now, it is of the utmost importance that you keep your eyes open for red flags.
If there are red flags, WALK AWAY.
Here are a few to look out for:
1. Your intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it probably is not.
2. How he speaks about his mother. She gave him life. You've only given him your phone number and an hour or two of your time.
3. How he speaks to/about women. Does he call them bitches and hoes around you? Does he talk down on past girlfriends?
4. Small lies. A lie is a lie is a lie.
5. Refusal to solidify plans. This translates to an issue with commitment.
What are other red flags for you when dating? Comment and let me know!