• Brandi Nikkale

What Do You Need?

As a single woman, I am open to a relationship if it's right. (Ya'll know I'm not going to just settle for anything).


Short Story: The other day I saw an old friend of mine and it was nice! We caught up and he brought such good flattering energy like only a Scorpio man can (lmao). During our catch up, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Completely random. I blew him off because "BOY YOU AINT FOR REAL!"



When I met with my therapist the next day, she was asking about my dating life and I was filling her in on who I'm talking to, etc. and she paused me when I told her about this situation.


She then asked me a really tough question:


"What would it take for you to be in a relationship right now?"

We just sat on the Zoom staring back and forth at each other because "Girl what???"



I was shook! I had never been asked this question before and I felt like she was coming for me!


So after a little deliberation, I started to tell her my list of things I need to be in a relationship and it went something like this:


Me: Okay I need to know if and when he wants to be married, how many kids he wants, his communication style, what he envisions his marriage to be about, I need him to be on my head….like PRESSING ME sis, I need to know how often we are going to see each other, I need to know that he thinks like me, I need to know everything about his family, I need to meet his family, I need to know if he is a dog person, I need his 5 year plan -"


Therapist: Okay let me pause you there. Are these things for the relationship or your requirements for a marriage? You do realize that you get into a relationship to grow together right? I'm not asking what you need to be married but what do you need to commit to exclusivity and growth with another person…that's what a relationship is.


Me: Oh.

So for the past few days I have been pondering this question.

What do I need (realistically) to be in a relationship?


So far, I have come up with this:

-intention

-stability

-complete honesty

-similar spiritual foundations

-chemistry

-similar or compatible communication styles

Notice how much more lean my current list is. I am not sure that I have perfected or finalized it but I am reevaluating the things that I need to commit to exclusivity with a person which is what a relationship is. I am no longer committing to exclusivity outside of a relationship.

A relationship is not a place for perfection. It is a place to grow.

Disclaimer: This is not an excuse to date somebody who does not meet your standards. This is not justification for letting somebody treat you bold or run all over you. It's still Single > Settle! This is simply an evaluation of needs to be exclusive with a person.

What do you need (realistically) to say yes to being in a relationship?

Join us in the Living Single FB group and join the discussion.

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